Two second graders are walking home from school.
One looks at the other and says, "I can't believe Mrs Myers flunked us in sex-ed. My father is gonna kill me." "Yeah", says the second one. "I'm so pissed, I could kick her in the balls."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle" he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at
the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those
symbolize Christmas?"
Two second graders are walking home from school.
One looks at the other and says, "I can't believe Mrs Myers flunked us in sex-ed. My father is gonna kill me." "Yeah", says the second one. "I'm so pissed, I could kick her in the balls."
now that's humor. Great joke. I'm going to tell that one tonight.
I sure wish I had friends, cuz i dont' think my fish will understand the joke.
A gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated. After the operation he mournfully complained to a fellow miner, "I supposed I'm fucked now. Who would ever want a one-legged gold digger?"
"Try Paul McCartney," his friend replied.
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
A gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated. After the operation he mournfully complained to a fellow miner, "I supposed I'm fucked now. Who would ever want a one-legged gold digger?"
"Try Paul McCartney," his friend replied.
roflmao, that's fuckin great.
I hate that bitch. Does she really think she'll win a court case in Britain against a Beatle? yah right! He could come out and say that he beat her w/ her own wooden leg then pass out old Beatles memorabilia and everyone would forget it ever happened.
roflmao, that's fuckin great.
I hate that bitch. Does she really think she'll win a court case in Britain against a Beatle? yah right! He could come out and say that he beat her w/ her own wooden leg then pass out old Beatles memorabilia and everyone would forget it ever happened.
So my next door neighbour's son is 15. He is a pretty cool kid and he often sticks his head over the fence for a chat when I am in the yard.
So yesterday I am in the backyard and he leans over the fence. "Hey John, how are you mate?" I say to him. His reply, "Not good bondi, I am grounded!"
I am a bit shocked, because is usually a good kid. I asked him, "Why did you get grounded?" and his swift response was, "I got caught having sex with my teacher!"
I couldn't believe it! I was stunned. I said to him, "Fuck it mate, a week inside is a small price to pay when you are 15 and fucking your teacher. I can't believe it, you are a champion, a hero! I bet all your mates are idolising you know!"
I continue with, "So when are you going to do it again buddy?"
So my next door neighbour's son is 15. He is a pretty cool kid and he often sticks his head over the fence for a chat when I am in the yard.
So yesterday I am in the backyard and he leans over the fence. "Hey John, how are you mate?" I say to him. His reply, "Not good bondi, I am grounded!"
I am a bit shocked, because is usually a good kid. I asked him, "Why did you get grounded?" and his swift response was, "I got caught having sex with my teacher!"
I couldn't believe it! I was stunned. I said to him, "Fuck it mate, a week inside is a small price to pay when you are 15 and fucking your teacher. I can't believe it, you are a champion, a hero! I bet all your mates are idolising you know!"
I continue with, "So when are you going to do it again buddy?"
Seriously though it is a great joke to tell when you mask it as a true story. I remember hearing it for the first time when I was 15 and my football coach told the rest of the team about one of the players who couldn't make training that night. When we asked why, that was his story... he had us hooked in until the last line.... use it on your friends
So my next door neighbour's son is 15. He is a pretty cool kid and he often sticks his head over the fence for a chat when I am in the yard.
So yesterday I am in the backyard and he leans over the fence. "Hey John, how are you mate?" I say to him. His reply, "Not good bondi, I am grounded!"
I am a bit shocked, because is usually a good kid. I asked him, "Why did you get grounded?" and his swift response was, "I got caught having sex with my teacher!"
I couldn't believe it! I was stunned. I said to him, "Fuck it mate, a week inside is a small price to pay when you are 15 and fucking your teacher. I can't believe it, you are a champion, a hero! I bet all your mates are idolising you know!"
I continue with, "So when are you going to do it again buddy?"
He sayd, "Not for a while, my arse still hurts!"
Speaking of SEX:
A dog named sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was nine years old.”
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." T
The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.”
