A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He took a sip and heard a voice say, "Nice tie".
The only other person there was the bartender, and he was standing over at the opposite end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt".
The man called the bartender over. "I must be losing my mind, " he said. "I keep hearing voices that say nice things."
"It's the peanuts," the bartender said.
"What do you mean?" the man asked.
"It's the peanuts," the bartender repeated.
"They're complimentary."

?

Er, Dude....Perhaps this joke is on you. I'm a guy.

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-
year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out
on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

WOW... that is lame

Here is a blonde joke for yall:

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c0ckPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
__________________

Cute.

Ok...heres another....nuns..

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

this vid is pretty funny...how NOT to dump your girlfriend...
http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1700331/

Seems like this could actually happen.

Nasty break up. Too bad the background static was so annoying. Somebody worked really hard to put captions on this.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004



The biggest joke of our times...too bad he is so f*cking dangerous.

good one.

You've noticed a similarity....

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

'Dammit woman!' he exclaimed. 'Did you lose everything?'

After careful scrutiny, the administration of a local school district
decided that a blonde student who challenged her grade had to be given
credit for her answer below. Consequently, the board of education has
warned all of the math teachers to be more explicit in the future when
giving instructions to students who are this "advanced."