Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+ Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?

[Brimstonezv]

An englishman, a scotsman and an irishman are sitting in an australian pub, all ordering a beer. a fly lands in each of their drinks, to which the englishman turns his head in disgust and orders another beer, pushing the first away. the scotsman merely fishes the fly out and throws it over his shoulder, taking a swig, while the irishman glares into his glass, rips out the fly and screams at it, "spit it out, you bastard"

[misschickie]

merged

[fun4us94]

a married couple were watching a tv show on human emotions....when the topic of mixed emotions was being discussed the man told his wife that it was all bullshit....he said...there is no such thing as mixed emotions.....his wife replies....yes there is....oh yeah says the husband....then tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time...the wife promptly replies....of all your friends you have the biggest dick..

[theinfamousjax]

not sure if this is considered a joke but its funny as hell and appropriate for this site
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bevJr3Ra84Q

[evade20]

not sure if this is considered a joke but its funny as hell and appropriate for this site
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bevJr3Ra84Q

Great find!!!!

[theinfamousjax]

Great find!!!!    

thank you sir

[UncleBuck]

[evade20]

[UncleBuck]

Holiday tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put ?Happy Thanksgiving? under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with ?Merry Christmas? up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says ?if you don?t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs??




She says ?I?m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there?s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.?

[evade20]

The TSA:

Watch this!

I guess it qualifies as a joke....

[UncleBuck]

Involutary Muscle Contractions


A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on ?Involuntary Muscular Contractions? to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ?Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you?re having an orgasm??

She replied, ?Probably deer hunting with his buddies.??

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom????

[evade20]

Involutary Muscle Contractions
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on ?Involuntary Muscular Contractions? to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ?Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you?re having an orgasm??

She replied, ?Probably deer hunting with his buddies.?? 

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom????

[UncleBuck]

Ultimate pleasure secrets from around the globe

The Italian says, When I?ve a finished a making love I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy.

The Frenchman replies That is nothing, when I?ve finished making love, I kiss all the way down her body, and then I lick the soles of her feet with my tongue, and she floats 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstasy.

The redneck says, That aint nothing. When I?ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the fuckin? ceiling!

[evade20]

Ultimate pleasure secrets from around the globe

The Italian says, When I?ve a finished a making love I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy.

The Frenchman replies That is nothing, when I?ve finished making love, I kiss all the way down her body, and then I lick the soles of her feet with my tongue, and she floats 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstasy.

The redneck says, That aint nothing. When I?ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the fuckin? ceiling!

[fun4us94]

a man and his wife were watching a tv documentary on the minds ability to have mixed emotions...the husband turns to his wife and says this is bullshit...there is no such thing as mixed emotions...his wife assures him that it is possible...the husband says oh yeah...then tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.......his wife looks at him and says...of all your friends,you have the biggest dick..

[fun4us94]

a man and his wife were watching a tv documentary on the minds ability to have mixed emotions...the husband turns to his wife and says this is bullshit...there is no such thing as mixed emotions...his wife assures him that it is possible...the husband says oh yeah...then tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.......his wife looks at him and says...of all your friends,you have the biggest dick..

shit...had forgotten i had already posted this one...sorry

[fun4us94]

every mornin ole boudreaux stops at the same general store and fills the tank on his boat before he goes fishin and after a day of fishin he stops at the same store and buys a 6 pack of beer...well it dont take long before the local game warden notices that boudreaux catches a bunch of fish every day...one day he asks boudreaux if he could go fishing with him...so the next mornin ole boudreaux picks the warden up for a day of fishin...after a long boat ride boudreax stops the boat and slides a wooden box from under his seat...he pulls a stick of dynamite from the box and lights it then throws it over board...after the explosion the game warden is pissed...he tells boudreaux that dynamiting fish is illegal and he is going to arrest him as soon as they get back to shore...boudreaux pays him no mind and grabs another piece of dynamite...after lighting it he throws it in the game wardens lap and says to him...you gona talk all day or you gona fish???

[stevieboy]

For years men and women have been at odds concerning who is superior. For an answer to that question let?s see how each deals with conflict.

Man has fight with wife. Look how he attempts to solve the problem:
Man screams loudly that she never listens to him....fight goes on
Man watches his wife begin to cry and he tells her that he isn?t in the mood for her whining...fight goes on
Man feels bad and buys his wife flowers...she refuses to accept the apology
Man tries buying her her favorite candy...she?s still upset
Man offers to take her out for a night on the town...she?s still upset
Man buys her expensive jewelry which she accepts but she reminds him she?s still upset
Man begs for forgiveness telling her what an idiot he is and she somewhat accepts but she reminds him she?ll still hold a grudge.

Now let?s look at how the woman handles conflict.
Woman has a fight with husband.
If she wants to settle things she resorts to one of three little tricks to end the argument immediately

#1. Woman flashes her boobs....fight is over
#2. Woman undresses and offers sex...fight is over
#3. (only to be used in a case of emergency)....Woman drops to her knees and performs oral sex on her husband. Not only is the fight over, but the husband in turn kisses her ass for a week!

Now I ask you...who?se the smarter sex?

[ddd35]

At a school in North Carolina a teacher in english is beginning class and they are working on using certain words in sentences . the word for today is Handsome . So she asks the class to volunteer . A girl in the back stands up , Says "my name is Tenisha , and when im sucking my boyfriends snake and my jaw begins to get sore sometimes i have to use my Hand-some ! "

[evade20]

I'm My Own Grandpa!

[EthanReed]

A deaf man and a deaf woman recently got married. On their honeymoon they found they had a problem communicating with the lights off, so sex was difficult to coordinate. The wife decided they needed a system. She told her husband, "If at night you want to have sex, reach over and grab my left breast. If you do not want to have sex, grab my right breast." The husband likes the idea and replies, "Great! So if you want to have sex reach over and tug on my penis once. If you dont, reach over and tug on my penis one hundred times!"

[evade20]

A deaf man and a deaf woman recently got married. On their honeymoon they found they had a problem communicating with the lights off, so sex was difficult to coordinate. The wife decided they needed a system. She told her husband, "If at night you want to have sex, reach over and grab my left breast. If you do not want to have sex, grab my right breast." The husband likes the idea and replies, "Great! So if you want to have sex reach over and tug on my penis once. If you dont, reach over and tug on my penis one hundred times!"

Smart man!

[UncleBuck]

May the 4th be with you !!!!!!!

[ddd35]

A deaf man and a deaf woman recently got married. On their honeymoon they found they had a problem communicating with the lights off, so sex was difficult to coordinate. The wife decided they needed a system. She told her husband, "If at night you want to have sex, reach over and grab my left breast. If you do not want to have sex, grab my right breast." The husband likes the idea and replies, "Great! So if you want to have sex reach over and tug on my penis once. If you dont, reach over and tug on my penis one hundred times!"

[EthanReed]

Three men were eating their lunch at the building site they worked at. The first man opens his lunch and says "Ham sandwiches. If I get ham sandwiches one more day Im gonna kill myself". The second man opens his lunch and say "Chicken sandwiches. If I get chicken sandwiches one more day Im gonna kill myself. The last man opens his lunch and say "Lamb sandwiches. If I get lamb sandwiches one more day Im gonna kill myself".

The next day the men opened their lunches. "Ham sandwiches", "Chicken sandwiches", "Lamb sandwiches". They all proceed to jump of the half finished building to their deaths.

At the funeral the mens wives spoke. Crying, the first mans wife said "I thought he liked ham sandwiches". The second mans wife said "I thought he liked chicken sandwiches". The last mans wife says "Well I dont know what was wrong with my husband. He made his own lunch".

[UncleBuck]

It was my anniversary last week. My wife asked me if I wanted oral sex or a new pair of shoes?

I went head over heels.

[Buck Turgidson]

She married a sugar daddy with lots of candy...

http://vimeo.com/26753142

(clean link, no unwanted surprises)

[UncleBuck]

A SHORT BEDTIME STORY

[evade20]

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to
choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly
walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt
cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbillies'
buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint
niver seed nobody do it""

[evade20]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond since he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned. 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond,naked.'

Holding the bucket up, he said,
'I'M HERE TO FEED THE ALLIGATOR.'

Some older men can still think fast.