Outline ·
[ Standard ] ·
Linear+
Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?
misschickie |
May 20 2007, 02:19 PM
|
MISCHIEF.MAYHEM.SOAP
Group: Moderator
Posts: 2,734
Joined: 17-March 07
From: Vancouver, British Columbia
Member No.: 21,236
|
QUOTE(rdmoscow1808 @ May 19 2007, 08:41 PM) A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?" love that one!
--------------------
the only thing i'll ever ask of you...you gotta promise not to stop when i say when.do not try to outbitch this bitch...you will not win
|
|
|
|
evade20 |
May 20 2007, 02:32 PM
|
Melon Master
Group: Members
Posts: 21,880
Joined: 21-November 05
From: New York
Member No.: 11,658
|
QUOTE(misschickie @ May 20 2007, 02:23 PM) Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. Men are all liars....
--------------------
"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
|
|
|
|
misschickie |
May 20 2007, 04:44 PM
|
MISCHIEF.MAYHEM.SOAP
Group: Moderator
Posts: 2,734
Joined: 17-March 07
From: Vancouver, British Columbia
Member No.: 21,236
|
QUOTE(rdmoscow1808 @ May 20 2007, 02:51 PM) ok...how did you know??? I am a completely irresistable liar.... mmmm....really.... how sad that that made me hot! there is something wrong with me! lol not to mention a Texan ....got a soft spot for Texans!
--------------------
the only thing i'll ever ask of you...you gotta promise not to stop when i say when.do not try to outbitch this bitch...you will not win
|
|
|
|
misschickie |
May 20 2007, 04:55 PM
|
MISCHIEF.MAYHEM.SOAP
Group: Moderator
Posts: 2,734
Joined: 17-March 07
From: Vancouver, British Columbia
Member No.: 21,236
|
A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."
--------------------
the only thing i'll ever ask of you...you gotta promise not to stop when i say when.do not try to outbitch this bitch...you will not win
|
|
|
|
evade20 |
May 22 2007, 07:30 AM
|
Melon Master
Group: Members
Posts: 21,880
Joined: 21-November 05
From: New York
Member No.: 11,658
|
HAROLD THE COMPUTER GUY I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ‘ID ten T’ error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ‘ID ten T error’? What's that - in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ‘ID ten T’ errors before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote it down. I D 1 0 T I used to like Harold...
--------------------
"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
|
|
|
|
rdmoscow1808 |
May 22 2007, 02:50 PM
|
C Cup
Group: Members
Posts: 748
Joined: 5-May 05
From: Houston, Texas
Member No.: 7,752
|
QUOTE(evade20 @ May 22 2007, 07:30 AM) HAROLD THE COMPUTER GUY I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ‘ID ten T’ error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ‘ID ten T error’? What's that - in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ‘ID ten T’ errors before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote it down. I D 1 0 T I used to like Harold... that was good!!
|
|
|
|
ddd35 |
Jun 7 2007, 09:18 AM
|
Melon Master
Group: Members
Posts: 28,815
Joined: 7-April 06
From: Peoria, Illinois
Member No.: 14,606
|
>>> > A very attractive blonde woman from Iowa arrived at a casino and >>> >bet >>> >twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. >>> >She >>> > >>> >said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm >>> >completely nude." >>> > >>> >With that, she stripped from >>>the neck down, rolled the dice and >>> >yelled, >>> > >>> >"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" >>> > >>> >As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... >>> >"YES! >>> >YES! I WON, I WON!" >>> > >>> >She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and >>> >her >>> > >>> >clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other >>> >dumbfounded. >>> > >>> >Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, >>> >"I >>> > >>> >don't know - I thought you were watching." >>> > >>> >Moral - Not all Iowans are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but >>> >all >>> >men are men.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail beta.
|
|
|
|
misschickie |
Jun 7 2007, 11:15 AM
|
MISCHIEF.MAYHEM.SOAP
Group: Moderator
Posts: 2,734
Joined: 17-March 07
From: Vancouver, British Columbia
Member No.: 21,236
|
QUOTE(ddd35 @ Jun 7 2007, 09:18 AM) >>> > A very attractive blonde woman from Iowa arrived at a casino and >>> >bet >>> >twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. >>> >She >>> > >>> >said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm >>> >completely nude." >>> > >>> >With that, she stripped from >>>the neck down, rolled the dice and >>> >yelled, >>> > >>> >"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" >>> > >>> >As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... >>> >"YES! >>> >YES! I WON, I WON!" >>> > >>> >She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and >>> >her >>> > >>> >clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other >>> >dumbfounded. >>> > >>> >Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, >>> >"I >>> > >>> >don't know - I thought you were watching." >>> > >>> >Moral - Not all Iowans are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but >>> >all >>> >men are men. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail beta.
--------------------
the only thing i'll ever ask of you...you gotta promise not to stop when i say when.do not try to outbitch this bitch...you will not win
|
|
|
|
rdmoscow1808 |
Jul 3 2007, 06:29 AM
|
C Cup
Group: Members
Posts: 748
Joined: 5-May 05
From: Houston, Texas
Member No.: 7,752
|
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy - down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
|
|
|
|
aimee2 |
Jul 3 2007, 06:44 AM
|
B Cup
Group: Members
Posts: 143
Joined: 3-April 07
From: Wisconsin
Member No.: 21,497
|
QUOTE(rdmoscow1808 @ Jul 3 2007, 05:29 AM) On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy - down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks! But it wouldn't hurt to have one anyway!
|
|
|
|
ddd35 |
Jul 12 2007, 09:19 AM
|
Melon Master
Group: Members
Posts: 28,815
Joined: 7-April 06
From: Peoria, Illinois
Member No.: 14,606
|
" IT'S TIME AGAIN FOR YOUR MAN'S ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" EXAMINATION
>
> 1. If you are over thirty five, and you have a washboard stomach,
>You are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys.
>And you have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics,
>and doing the Oprah diet.
>
> 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaaming homo. A cat is like a
>dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself,
>has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be
>fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I
>said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a
>cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be
>framed, you're so gay.
>
> 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
>nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
>bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, >or tits. Anything else
>and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
>
> 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
>parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is
>his bathroom; he craps and urinates where he pleases.
>
> 5. If you drink decaf coffee, you like a high hard one in the poop chute.
>A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If
>you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
>
> 6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different Types
>of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A
>real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that
>Crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league,
>NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse
>or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY
>type of Textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
>
> 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying
>to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk
>at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he
>Needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his
>beer, scratch his balls, or play with his broad in the passenger seat.
|
|
|
|
closeup |
Jul 12 2007, 10:05 AM
|
Double D's
Group: Members
Posts: 4,813
Joined: 12-July 05
From: Portland, Maine
Member No.: 9,341
|
QUOTE(ddd35 @ Jul 12 2007, 09:19 AM) " IT'S TIME AGAIN FOR YOUR MAN'S ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" EXAMINATION > > 1. If you are over thirty five, and you have a washboard stomach, >You are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys. >And you have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, >and doing the Oprah diet. > > 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaaming homo. A cat is like a >dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, >has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be >fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I >said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a >cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be >framed, you're so gay. > > 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such >nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on >bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, >or tits. Anything else >and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag. > > 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a >parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is >his bathroom; he craps and urinates where he pleases. > > 5. If you drink decaf coffee, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. >A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If >you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too. > > 6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different Types >of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A >real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that >Crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, >NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse >or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY >type of Textile other than denim, you are faggadocious. > > 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying >to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk >at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he >Needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his >beer, scratch his balls, or play with his broad in the passenger seat. I'll go along with all but #2. I used to have a 25lb Maine Coon Cat (named Bart) and if you pissed him off, his claws could rip you a new asshole. The dogs in the neighborhood would go out of their way to avoid him. He wasn't mean or nasty, just big and didn't like to be fucked with. I remember one day I was doing something in the front yard and Bart was sitting out on the lawn enjoying the sun. This big dog comes strolling down the street and for some reason the two animals didn't see each other until the dog was right in front my cat. Bart jumped straight up in the air and came down on this dogs back with all four claws dug right in. That dog couldn't have been more startled if you'd have shoved a cattle prod up his ass. Bart looked like a rodeo rider as this dog tried to shake him off. Bart finally let go and that dog took off yelping and whimpering and I'm sure he learned his lesson about walking up to a big cat.
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
Track this topic
Receive email notification when a reply has been made to this topic and you are not active on the board.
Subscribe to this forum
Receive email notification when a new topic is posted in this forum and you are not active on the board.
Download / Print this Topic
Download this topic in different formats or view a printer friendly version.
|