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Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?
bondiguy |
Dec 14 2006, 10:55 PM
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I don't suffer FOOLS
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QUOTE(Bobaloo @ Dec 14 2006, 03:16 PM) I woulda, but Gnappy was too quick! He is very, very fast! (Or so his wife tells me)
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Bondi Approved I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck. I am smart, capable and, most importantly, I'm free in all the ways that you are not.
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HardDick69 |
Dec 15 2006, 03:12 PM
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B Cup
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QUOTE(closeup @ Dec 13 2006, 07:47 PM) A gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated. After the operation he mournfully complained to a fellow miner, "I supposed I'm fucked now. Who would ever want a one-legged gold digger?" "Try Paul McCartney," his friend replied. roflmao, that's fuckin great. I hate that bitch. Does she really think she'll win a court case in Britain against a Beatle? yah right! He could come out and say that he beat her w/ her own wooden leg then pass out old Beatles memorabilia and everyone would forget it ever happened.
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"If you keep touching me like that, I just might be one of those girls" - PussyDrippin69
AOL Instant Messenger: RMMHD69
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bondiguy |
Dec 15 2006, 05:22 PM
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I don't suffer FOOLS
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QUOTE(HardDick69 @ Dec 15 2006, 03:12 PM) roflmao, that's fuckin great. I hate that bitch. Does she really think she'll win a court case in Britain against a Beatle? yah right! He could come out and say that he beat her w/ her own wooden leg then pass out old Beatles memorabilia and everyone would forget it ever happened. I'd pay money to see that!
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Bondi Approved I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck. I am smart, capable and, most importantly, I'm free in all the ways that you are not.
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bondiguy |
Dec 20 2006, 12:25 AM
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I don't suffer FOOLS
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So my next door neighbour's son is 15. He is a pretty cool kid and he often sticks his head over the fence for a chat when I am in the yard.
So yesterday I am in the backyard and he leans over the fence. "Hey John, how are you mate?" I say to him. His reply, "Not good bondi, I am grounded!"
I am a bit shocked, because is usually a good kid. I asked him, "Why did you get grounded?" and his swift response was, "I got caught having sex with my teacher!"
I couldn't believe it! I was stunned. I said to him, "Fuck it mate, a week inside is a small price to pay when you are 15 and fucking your teacher. I can't believe it, you are a champion, a hero! I bet all your mates are idolising you know!"
I continue with, "So when are you going to do it again buddy?"
He sayd, "Not for a while, my arse still hurts!"
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Bondi Approved I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck. I am smart, capable and, most importantly, I'm free in all the ways that you are not.
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Gnappster |
Dec 20 2006, 11:24 AM
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Liquor and Whores
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QUOTE(bondiguy @ Dec 19 2006, 10:25 PM) So my next door neighbour's son is 15. He is a pretty cool kid and he often sticks his head over the fence for a chat when I am in the yard. So yesterday I am in the backyard and he leans over the fence. "Hey John, how are you mate?" I say to him. His reply, "Not good bondi, I am grounded!" I am a bit shocked, because is usually a good kid. I asked him, "Why did you get grounded?" and his swift response was, "I got caught having sex with my teacher!" I couldn't believe it! I was stunned. I said to him, "Fuck it mate, a week inside is a small price to pay when you are 15 and fucking your teacher. I can't believe it, you are a champion, a hero! I bet all your mates are idolising you know!" I continue with, "So when are you going to do it again buddy?" He sayd, "Not for a while, my arse still hurts!" hahaha, best one I've heard in awhile.
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bondiguy |
Dec 21 2006, 01:30 AM
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I don't suffer FOOLS
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QUOTE(Gnappster @ Dec 20 2006, 11:24 AM) hahaha, best one I've heard in awhile. Thank you, try the veal! Seriously though it is a great joke to tell when you mask it as a true story. I remember hearing it for the first time when I was 15 and my football coach told the rest of the team about one of the players who couldn't make training that night. When we asked why, that was his story... he had us hooked in until the last line.... use it on your friends
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Bondi Approved I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck. I am smart, capable and, most importantly, I'm free in all the ways that you are not.
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evade20 |
Jan 3 2007, 08:35 AM
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Melon Master
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QUOTE(bondiguy @ Dec 20 2006, 12:25 AM) So my next door neighbour's son is 15. He is a pretty cool kid and he often sticks his head over the fence for a chat when I am in the yard. So yesterday I am in the backyard and he leans over the fence. "Hey John, how are you mate?" I say to him. His reply, "Not good bondi, I am grounded!" I am a bit shocked, because is usually a good kid. I asked him, "Why did you get grounded?" and his swift response was, "I got caught having sex with my teacher!" I couldn't believe it! I was stunned. I said to him, "Fuck it mate, a week inside is a small price to pay when you are 15 and fucking your teacher. I can't believe it, you are a champion, a hero! I bet all your mates are idolising you know!" I continue with, "So when are you going to do it again buddy?" He sayd, "Not for a while, my arse still hurts!" Speaking of SEX: A dog named sex Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." T The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.”
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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rdmoscow1808 |
Jan 12 2007, 11:04 PM
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Old Man..... The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then Starts putting on his coat. His wife, noticed the unexpected behavior. She asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the Doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot.....
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betty |
Jan 14 2007, 07:40 AM
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A Cup
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Not sure if this should be in here, but what the hell. This is one of the funniest Videos I've seen for ages. The council in Manchester England installed some retractable bollards to stop people using bus lanes. It's causing a bit of uproar with the public Click on the link to find out why... PS keep an eye on the windscreen of the white van right at the end ... http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvpla...rt=true&fs=true
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closeup |
Jan 14 2007, 11:28 AM
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Double D's
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QUOTE(betty @ Jan 14 2007, 07:40 AM) Not sure if this should be in here, but what the hell. This is one of the funniest Videos I've seen for ages. The council in Manchester England installed some retractable bollards to stop people using bus lanes. It's causing a bit of uproar with the public Click on the link to find out why... PS keep an eye on the windscreen of the white van right at the end ... http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvpla...rt=true&fs=trueThose bollards are so dangerous, I can't beleive the gov't thinks they're a good idea. People could get seriously hurt.
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natalie |
Jan 15 2007, 12:41 PM
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D Cup
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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.
"She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "Hey, no problem, I'll do the fuckin' dishes!"
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Gnappster |
Jan 15 2007, 01:24 PM
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Liquor and Whores
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QUOTE(betty @ Jan 14 2007, 05:40 AM) Not sure if this should be in here, but what the hell. This is one of the funniest Videos I've seen for ages. The council in Manchester England installed some retractable bollards to stop people using bus lanes. It's causing a bit of uproar with the public Click on the link to find out why... PS keep an eye on the windscreen of the white van right at the end ... http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvpla...rt=true&fs=trueBollards is a funny word. QUOTE(closeup @ Jan 14 2007, 09:28 AM) Those bollards are so dangerous, I can't beleive the gov't thinks they're a good idea. People could get seriously hurt. The people that hit them, we'd probably be better off getting rid of anyway. QUOTE(natalie @ Jan 15 2007, 10:41 AM) Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "Hey, no problem, I'll do the fuckin' dishes!" priceless
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betty |
Jan 15 2007, 03:07 PM
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A Cup
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QUOTE(closeup @ Jan 15 2007, 05:45 PM) Great jokes, ladies. Gnappy, I agree thinning the herd Darwin style is usually a good idea, those bollards seem to pop up unexpected because the person was behind a bus or truck and probably never even good a look at a warning sign. It's almost like having your head crushed in a closing elevator door because the door doesn't know you're there. I'm saying in most cases that would be a bad thing, but now that I think about it, a few heads I could think of would be just perfect. There's flashing signs for about 150 yards before the bollards, plus it's painted on the road before you get to them. If anyone can't see the signs they shouldn't even be on the road if they're eyes are that bad !. I say it serves the f**kers right
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closeup |
Jan 15 2007, 04:33 PM
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Double D's
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QUOTE(betty @ Jan 15 2007, 03:07 PM) There's flashing signs for about 150 yards before the bollards, plus it's painted on the road before you get to them. If anyone can't see the signs they shouldn't even be on the road if they're eyes are that bad !. I say it serves the f**kers right If that's the case, I agree. I'd like to invent a prong that shoots out of a cell-phone into a persons ear if they try to talk and drive at the same time. Surgical steel, honed to a razor sharp point ,five or six inches long, ought to work just fine.
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rdmoscow1808 |
Jan 22 2007, 12:38 PM
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C Cup
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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese ," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .
"Liver alone....Cheese Mine"
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rdmoscow1808 |
Jan 22 2007, 12:45 PM
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C Cup
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A NORWEGIAN DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS CANADA TO SEE THE PACIFIC OCEAN WHEN HE GETS TO NANAIMO, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!
HE WALKS INTO THE MACMILLIAN-BLOEDEL OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOGGER. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.
BUT FIRST, THE BUSH FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE BUSH IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.
THE NORWEGIAN PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "DATS DERE'S A SITKA SPRUCE, EH? AND SHE GOT 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!!
HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.
THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
"LORD TUNDERIN'!! DAT'S YER DOUGLAS FIR AND SHE GOT 690 BOARD FEET." SAYS THE NORWEGIAN.
NOW THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED.
THE NORWEGIAN HAS ANSWERED QUICKLY AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!
ONE MORE TEST.
THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHS POINTING, THE NORWEGIAN SAYS, A YELLER CEDAR, 242 BOARD FEET AT MOST."
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE PISSED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE NORWEGIAN IS SMARTER THAN HE. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS THE NORWEGIAN TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT!! HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?
WHEN THE NORWEGIAN REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK.
"DAT'S DA FRONT A' DAT TREE FER SURE." THE NORWEGIAN STATES.
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
THE NORWEGIAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT, EH?"
HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!
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betty |
Jan 24 2007, 03:38 PM
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The priest in a small village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up !
No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
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Bobaloo |
Jan 24 2007, 04:25 PM
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--o00o--O(_)O--o00o--
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A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"
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Gnappster |
Jan 24 2007, 04:55 PM
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Liquor and Whores
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QUOTE(closeup @ Jan 15 2007, 02:33 PM) If that's the case, I agree. I'd like to invent a prong that shoots out of a cell-phone into a persons ear if they try to talk and drive at the same time. Surgical steel, honed to a razor sharp point ,five or six inches long, ought to work just fine. haha, that's great. I was laughing so hard I almost crashed my car while reading it.
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