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Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?
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Feb 8 2007, 06:20 PM
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Double D's
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From: Portland, Maine
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CITY OF NEW YORK - REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM I'm only gonna edit this out of Cangirls thread if she promises me no dick pictures! NAME :______________________________ GANG NAME :______________________________
1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit?
3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? **Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet , how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint?
7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one weeks salary?
9) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum,how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked
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bntit |
Feb 17 2007, 07:43 PM
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B Cup
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Joined: 22-March 06
From: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Member No.: 14,222
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Now this one was just funny...
The Pope decided to take a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along a campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a mean 10-foot grizzly bear!
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest, the other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" He told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers!" "I personally have witnessed A Miracle!!"
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that funny lookin guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven, angles, even God and has access to all wisdom!"
"Well," one logger said, "he may have access to all that thair wisdom but he sure don't know nothin' about bear hunting!"
"By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"
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natalie |
Feb 22 2007, 02:58 PM
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D Cup
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From: Edmonton, Alberta
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If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be >worth $49.00. > > > >With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. > > > >With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. > > > >If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have $49.00 >left. > > > >But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all >the beer, > >then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have >had $214.00. > > > >Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily >and recycle. > >It's called the 401-Keg Plan. >
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ddd35 |
Feb 22 2007, 02:59 PM
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Melon Master
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Joined: 7-April 06
From: Peoria, Illinois
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QUOTE(natalie @ Feb 22 2007, 12:58 PM) If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be >worth $49.00. > > > >With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. > > > >With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. > > > >If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have $49.00 >left. > > sounds like a good plan > >But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all >the beer, > >then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have >had $214.00. > > > >Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily >and recycle. > >It's called the 401-Keg Plan. >
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Something_Creative |
Feb 24 2007, 11:31 PM
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B Cup
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Joined: 8-January 07
From: District of Columbia
Member No.: 20,190
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A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your pecker is bigger than your brother's". ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````
A woman was sleeping in her bed when she awoke to what she thought was the sound of someone crying in her kitchen. She throws on her robe and goes downstairs to find her husband softly weeping into a cup of coffee.
"What's the matter with you?", she asked.
He responded, "Remember that day when your father caught us foolin' around in the barn and he stuck a gun in my face and said I either had to marry you or go to jail for twenty years for statutory rape?"
"Yes", she replied, "I remember it."
"Well today would have been the day I would have gotten out of prison."
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You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.....Abraham Lincoln
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betty |
Feb 27 2007, 06:03 AM
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A Cup
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From: Leeds, Yorkshire and the Humber
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Yorkshire girls are the best!
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house.
He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
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NakedGirlLover |
Feb 27 2007, 09:36 PM
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B Cup
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From: Yorkshire and the Humber
Member No.: 13,831
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QUOTE(betty @ Feb 27 2007, 06:03 AM) Yorkshire girls are the best!Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away. James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table. The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper. There's nowt like a Yorkshire lass.
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So now I'm your snake in the grass. Your ghost of film reels past. I'm the producer of your nightmare, and the performance has just begun. IT'S JUST BEGUN!!
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bntit |
Mar 12 2007, 06:44 PM
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B Cup
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Joined: 22-March 06
From: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
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A New Drink
A woman and her boyfriend are
out having a few drinks. While they're sitting
there having a good time together she starts talking about this
really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the
more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her
boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives
in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings
the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A salt
shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime
juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and
the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the
salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys
and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime
juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please
her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue
salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys smooth,
rich, cool, very pleasant, he thinks. this is ok. Finally, he
picks up the lime juice and drinks it. In one
second the sharp lime taste hits....... At two seconds the
Baileys curdles....... At three seconds the salty curdled
bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but
being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his
girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes
it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus,
What do you call that drink???" She smiles
widely at him and says,
" Blow Job Revenge!
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bntit |
Mar 14 2007, 12:38 AM
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B Cup
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Joined: 22-March 06
From: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Member No.: 14,222
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An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey and a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasing' bum." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it guys...
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bntit |
Mar 14 2007, 12:41 AM
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B Cup
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From: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here." The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear Anything let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a football." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$100" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a football jersey." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?" Boy - "$500" Man - "Sold." A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your jersey and your football, let's go outside and have a game of football. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and jersey." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"To a friend of mine for a $600." The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here". The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little pr1ck, you're in my F##!!..ing cupboard now"!!
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evade20 |
Mar 14 2007, 10:42 PM
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Melon Master
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From: New York
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QUOTE(bntit @ Mar 14 2007, 12:41 AM) A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already. After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here." The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear Anything let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a football." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$100" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a football jersey." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?" Boy - "$500" Man - "Sold." A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your jersey and your football, let's go outside and have a game of football. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and jersey." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"To a friend of mine for a $600." The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here". The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little pr1ck, you're in my F##!!..ing cupboard now"!! Good one.
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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ddd35 |
Mar 16 2007, 10:28 PM
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Melon Master
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Joined: 7-April 06
From: Peoria, Illinois
Member No.: 14,606
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T HREE COWBOYS ARE SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE OUT ON THE LONESOME PRAIRIE; EACH WITH THE BRAVADO FOR WHICH HE IS FAMOUS. 'TIS A NIGHT OF TALL TALES.
THE GUY FROM MONTANASAYS, "I MUST BE THE STRONGEST, MEANEST, TOUGHEST COWBOY THERE IS. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, A BULL GOT LOOSE IN THE CORRAL. IT HAD GORED SIX MEN BEFORE I WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND BY THE HORNS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CASTRATED THAT SUCKER WITH MY TEETH."
THE GUY FROM COLORADO COULDN'T STAND TO BE BESTED. "THAT'S NOTHING. I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL YESTERDAY AND A FIFTEEN FOOT DIAMONDBACK RATTLER SLID OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK AND MADE A MOVE FOR ME. I GRABBED THAT BASTARD WITH MY BARE HANDS, BIT IT'S HEAD OFF AND SUCKED THE POISON DOWN IN ONE GULP AND I'M STILL HERE TODAY."
THE COWBOY FROM TEXAS REMAINED SILENT, SLOWLY STIRRING THE CAMPFIRE COALS WITH HIS PECKER
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closeup |
Mar 22 2007, 05:20 PM
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Double D's
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From: Portland, Maine
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The Forbes Fictional 15 #2 Burns, C. Montgomery
Courtesy of Fox Net Worth: $16.8 billion Source: Energy Age: 104 Marital Status: Single, one bastard child Hometown: Springfield, U.S.A. Education: Yale University, B.S.
Long-time owner and operator of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant saw his fortune double after announcing "technology exchange" with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. Outsourced plant operations to India; returned jobs to U.S. after offshore staff demanded coffee breaks. Plans to create Springfield media monopoly thwarted by competition from 8-year-old girl. Burns' health continues to degrade; constructed children's hospitals for use as organ banks, must undergo weekly operation merely to stay alive. Succession uncertain; years of working in a nuclear plant have left him "as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner." Collector of priceless historical artifacts, including only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, first draft of U.S. Constitution with the word "suckers" in it. Dismisses philanthropy, hoards wealth. Says Burns: "One dollar for eternal happiness? I'd be happier with the dollar." Member since 1989.
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sweetnsexy |
Mar 25 2007, 08:58 PM
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D Cup
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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death . They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!! "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in thedesert, don'forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree" “Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree........... Ees..... Ees…. Ees..... Ees..... Ees, a Ham Bush"
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evade20 |
Mar 25 2007, 09:07 PM
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Melon Master
Group: Members
Posts: 21,880
Joined: 21-November 05
From: New York
Member No.: 11,658
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QUOTE(sweetnsexy @ Mar 25 2007, 08:58 PM) Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death . They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!! "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in thedesert, don'forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree" “Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree........... Ees..... Ees…. Ees..... Ees..... Ees, a Ham Bush" oooooooooo
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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